But there may be times that you find that the stars are gone. Obscured by the rain, clouds, or perhaps just by the mere brightness of urban lights. Too much of these and you may soon forget that the stars exist.
But up in the heavens, the stars are still there, smiling down on you. Not expecting anything in return, just trying to brighten up your world.
Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.
They still do.
Im just watching, and letting them live out what I cannot live. In a sense, I feel really old, really really old. Like an old grandfather, sitting on that rocking chair, watching my grandchildren boarding that yellow school bus, and then waiting for their return to tell me what they have done for that day. Its kind of a good feeling actually.
My friend suddenly asked me yesterday if I was emoing. And I was tickled. Would you ask an old man who is staring into blankness if he is emoing? Thats the way things are now. For I finally could once honestly say I wasnt.
In recent days, I also found that I no longer want to talk about my life anymore. Its like you dont tell the grandchildren what you have been doing. Like the grandchildren would be interested in whether you watered the plants today, or went down to the grocery store. Its all so insignificant. And thats the way things are.
Its ironical how I feel so old when I am at fact so young, and these grandchildren I am watching are actually a step in front of me in life. The similarity between me and an old man, the lack of hope. Well, at least my old age only last for 2 years. And then I hope I can find in my heart whatever youth I still have, and live this colourful life that people are talking about.
I am doing a dangerous job, mistakes are what I have to avoid. Cause any mistake could lead to injury, or even death of myself or the people around me. Its an apparent and serious fact. Fatigue is my worst foe by all senses. Yet I cant get the rest I need when I am in there. But i it logical to sacrifice the little time I have out here to get rest? It is like a desperate struggle to get all these little allocation of time right.
Sometimes it seems stupid, what I am doing. Week after week I struggle out there, to say hi and let the people know I am still there for them. Even if we meet to do nothing. I go there, being physically present, but mentally not exactly 100% there. I wonder sometimes, will this be what my friends really want? But its something I still want to do. Though I really need a break soon. Maybe the weekend after next.
The world seems like its closing down on me, getting really cruel and unforgiving. And I realised I am not the only one going through this. So perhaps I have been irresponsible to think some of the things I did. I havent been thinking for others really. I am starting to take my emotions as my judgement. Unfair, definitely. The reason, tiredness, or rather the excuse. Its time I found a way to overcome these selfish thoughts. Somethings are not worth complaining about, as the army has taught me, just suck thumb.
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I feel like a parent, deep in personal disappoval, yet still supporting. But when I realise you have your regrets and difficulties too, then I know all the more I have to be there. For you.
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