Change is the only constant...

2009-06-21T17:53:00.002+08:00

People come and go
they tell me about the flow.
I just nod and smile back at them.

They ask me how are you doing.
I mumble back, "The same."
For how do I tell them about the state that I'm in.

As much as I run,
I cant get away,
From the shadow that is cast upon my world.

As much as I try,
In the end I find,
I'm still right here where I used to be.

How can I tell them that my watch does not tick,
without them laughing and telling me its just spoilt.

How can I tell them that nothing ever changes,
No matter how I try to move on with my life.

Is it a spell cast upon me?
Or just the way the world has become for me?

'Cause ever since that day
The earth I'm on just suddenly spun down to die.

I'm sorry girl its you.
But you were the one in my life,
the day my world stood still.

2009-04-26T14:09:00.000+08:00

I have not been happy for a while now. Not that I have not smiled. That would be truly terrible. Its just that I have been sad, having forgotten how to smile from the heart.

Devoid of a reason to smile for about seven or so months now, I guess it really started some time in the last quarter of last year. Being conscripted in the beginning of the year had already taken quite a bit out of me, but its just the changes towards the end of the year that took everything away. The changes that left me alone and lost, lost and alone.

"Its not about what you left behind, its what you gain in the future." In the past 18 months, I have left so much behind, but what I have gained are really the things I do not mind leaving behind. I guess the line would be more appropriately posted at the exit of the room where people reacquire their pink cards and freedom, at the end of this journey, rather than the beginning.

I often miss what I was, long for what I could have been and wonder what I have become.

Then again, I shudder at the thought that how this is but an excuse to cover up the true reasons for this state of mind. Would I really be better off after I leave this place, or are the things I lost gone for good? Perhaps the frequent injustice and sufferings just represent salt on the wound.

I am really tired.

2009-02-06T18:06:00.002+08:00

Somewhere, somewhen in life, we all had wondeful experiences that leave us with vivid memories. The best part about memories is that only the fun and happy ones remain, while the hard work and fatigue that goes with them are deleted.

Attached to these memories usually lies a trigger of some kind. And when the trigger is pulled, the feeling just rush back to us, fresh and as great as before. Once again, I marvel at the power of the human brain.

Like a song that a event revolves around. We will get there by Stefanie Sun. Just another national day song for many others. Maybe some will remember it as the song that had those wierd dance moves to go with the chorus. But for me, it strikes me clearly as the theme song for national day parade 2002. The year when I participated in the third act of the parade and the finale as part of my school. The brotherhood forged, the ecstacy and the satistfacion after the actual day itself. The excitement still tingles on my skin.

Or just watching other people do what you have done. Fortitude. Thats the name of the orientation for Meridian this year. I managed to catch the freshmen in action on their MMM today. Seeing them rush out of the MRT when the train reached Pasir Ris, I felt the rush. I knew exactly how they felt, knew how this was the very last part. I went through 3 orientations after all. And I wished silently that the Callisto guys would outrun the Miranda and Triton guys. Haha. Still somewhat a Callisto OGL in here.

2 triggers in a week. Eventful. Some of my friends tell me how they miss JC. I feel the same thing. Life then was just so positive. Life then was looking forward. Life now is looking back.

Gosh I feel old.

2009-01-31T22:17:00.000+08:00

I got lost today.

Perhaps I wasnt so much in the right mind, so I just took off in a random direction, putting a man's sense of direction to the extreme test. Too much urban jungle I guess, after choosing to cut through hdb estate after hdb estate, I decided I didnt really know where I was anymore.

Its the mental process that was really interesting. When I first started the journey, I didnt really care, I felt brave in fact. Maybe I just felt like really walking some emotions off. I wasnt even bothering which direction to go, just merely walking wherever I felt, hoping somehow I would reach my destination.

Then I got a little worried, but I pressed on, trying to move in a more logical manner now. The confidence I had still lingered a little. After all some people say that the male gender have a natural sense of direction, and could probably point north without a map nor a compass. Ya right.

I hit a super long straight stretch. Out of the housing estate, near the industrial side with construction going on some newater thing. It was then that I was kind of scared. I felt so alone, vulnerable, but mostly alone. Miserable. I looked back. Though I knew slightly where I was now, I didnt know if I was going in the right direction. Or if I was going farther. And when you are walking, things move kind of slowly, so these feelings held for a long while. But I continued forward.

Well I got out of the situation in the end. I didnt really walk home, nor planned to. I didnt even plan to walk this far. But I didnt know when to end. Sure I could take a bus, long ago in fact. I passed many bus stops along the way. Yeah I was in Singapore. But I guess when you already gone so far, you dont really mind going abit more, despite the pain. And I wanted to walk in the first place.

It was a really confusing walk, an emotional rollercoaster in fact, so the walking off the emotions thing didnt really work. I dont know what I feel even now. Stupid maybe? But maybe it wasnt the getting lost that got me so miserable, maybe it just was an avenue of release, for getting lost in another manner. But though I found a way out of that situation, would I be so lucky as to find my way out of the turmoil I have inside now? Would I be able to find my way, find the answer, find my heart again? I seriously dont know. I dont even know how I got into this. I feel cheated by myself. In some ways, how I got lost today emulates how lost I feel.

Today, I went from a point in Tampines, randomly wondering, to the community centre. Took a wrong turn and went to near the fire station, then down towards the industrial side, and after a really really long time, saw the IKEA sign in the distance. Walked passed Giant, Courts and then IKEA, over to the Elias side. Walk passed Meridian, then all the way to Pasir Ris Interchange. One and a half hour. And in case you wonder, I was headed to Tampines Interchange.

If only things could be so clear in this mental turmoil, so at least I could try to head in the right direction. But alas, its just a mess. Such that all I want to do is escape. Instead of making things right.

2009-01-26T23:33:00.001+08:00

We all live in systems, whether we like it or not. Systems that coexist, systems that overlap, systems that may challenge each other, or systems that can take you out of another system. Its a balance that we attempt to control day after day, tilting the balance to favour the system we fancy. Yet there are times that a system hails from a higher calling, taking control of the balance, regardless of our will. We get pulled out from our preferred system just like that. The plug is pulled. Period.

The difficult part is rejoining. Nothing is often permanent, and we regain control of the delicate balance. Yet, systems never stay the same. They adapt and update in order to keep the system going. They are reinforced by other systems, influenced, upgraded and updated, and some of the bonds in the systems are reconnected. Upon entrance, you find that yes there sure is space for you in the system. The database is still familiar, though there is a distinct difference that only time can tell.

Time did its job. You see it suddenly. Its like you are trying to connect to the internet using dial-up cables, while everyone uses broadband. The connections you are making seem to be deteriorating. The most you can do is just remain logged on to the system without any activities. And theres nothing much you can do. You are just unable to upgrade to broadband at the moment.

Perhaps all you really need is a break. The time to rest and upgrade. To work things out. To make the links even better than before. But you cant really just log off like that. How do you take a break from relationships without making something seem wrong? How can you not hurt anyone? How can you not be selfish?

Perhaps this is one reason I am not upset about going to the great Europe nine days in advance. Maybe this is the break I really need. An escape that needs no explanation. A release that may bring back a fresher me. Maybe.

I dont really know what is wrong with me. =(

2009-01-03T23:13:00.002+08:00

Exactly 365 days ago, I would be travelling on a bus, up to Genting. The date was chosen to celebrate our temporary relief from the education system. So while others had to head back to school, we were headed for fun. How exciting an idea. One year later, there would not be the time for such an exploit.

And how much has changed. Oblivion was all I felt one year ago, not knowing the full extent of what the next two years held for me. All I knew was I had to have all the fun I could, before I took that boat ride. And now look at me, being able to drive a powerful machine, perhaps something I should be proud of, but still unsatisfied with life. How quickly it has all happened, how one moment I was free from everything, only to step into the hands of another captor, now living from day to day with a perpetual hole in me, just black and blank, hollow and empty.

Halfway through I guess, but just as bad, till I am finally out. I guess to a certain extent, life does not have to be this way. Maybe if I even attempt to embrace abit of the life I am going through now, it could be quite exciting, and maybe perhaps happier. But somehow I have never been so stubborn to something before. I somehow reject everything related to the organisation.

~~Then there is all the changes. Perhaps I have lost faith. Somehow everything is just shrouded in a negativity.~~

~~NEGATIVITY~~

Thats it. I need to cancel out the negativity in my life. Welcome positivity. I did not feel a need for a new year resoloution before, but eleven months is too long to waste away. Hence my new year resoluttion is positivity. Everything is going to be better from now on. Every experience a one to look forward to. Change can be good as well. For I want to be happier, and 2009 is the year.

Geez, this totally screws up my writing style for this blog. Welcome 2009. =)

2008-11-23T15:26:00.003+08:00

The old road looked the same, as I rolled back into the village in the car. But everything else was changed. I had seen the image in the postcards. But there was nothing like seeing for oneself. It was amazing. Perhaps too overwhelming. Was this even the village I once left behind?

For I was not even sure if I could call this place a village anymore. Urban constructions were all around. Nothing was familiar, except for the name of the place. I have been away for far too long.

The car pulled over. And I was glad to see another familiar sight, the face of a friend, waiting for me. "How is it?" And I instantly knew what he was talking about. Sure he had been there watching as concrete took the place of the old wooden structures, but he still looked as incredulous as ever.

All in the name of advancement. This progress should be celebrated, but yet in all the villagers' hearts, there would be an attachment to the past. I could see in my friend there was still a longing for the old days. And I understood. For I felt it worst when I first received my first postcard. Time may have eased the emotions. Perhaps it was a good deal, for I was prepared to embrace this change, probably better than my friend.

It was logical anyway. Making way for the new. We all lost something in a way, our old homes, our old hangouts, our old lifestyle. But it was logical to just move on and find happiness in the future. For good of the developers, for the good of the rest of the villagers. And that was what my mind told me.

But that night as I lay in the bed of my new residence, dreams spoke a different tune. How the old times bade me goodbye, and I felt the confusion all over again. At least till conscience took over.

"Are you really that noble?" Very good question my friend.

2008-10-18T15:09:00.000+08:00

Its just a blank. Nothing.

But blank is good I guess.

2008-10-16T21:28:00.000+08:00

When we speak of the parent, nothing comes close. Because there is no one like a parent. And there is really no one.

The boy looks beyond the gate. He sees his father, still in his work attire, carrying the items the boy desperately needed. Arcoss the island and back, the journey would definitely tire the middle-aged father. But still the father came.

Among the bags his father handed him, one of them clearly were not part of the packing list. A familiar bag from the fast-food outlet. The boy could only down the apple pie and orange juice. And then he stared at the Big Mac, and he stared. He could not bring himself to dispose of it. For it was incomprehensible to him how his tired father, without his request, could bother to get the food for him.

The night was cold, but the boy's heart was warmed. And if he was not in an institution of man, he would have let a tear flow free from his eye.

The boy knew this all along. But perhaps it is more apparent now as he will soon depart on his own journey. He often wonders how he could repay all this. Probably, the answer is never.

A dedication to the parents of the boy. For all they did for him. Not just in the preparations for his trip, but for everything all his life.

There is no one like you, no one like a parent.

The boy loves you.

2008-10-12T14:28:00.002+08:00

A random bus ride to a place called Boon Keng. I knew it was on the NEL, but nothing much other than that. But I still got on the bus, out of pure irrationality probably. Another long bus ride.

It turned out to be a very special journey. One that relaxed me, one that comforted me, one that readied me, one that reminded me. It was if it was all meant to be. That I would get on this bus, and see all the sights I saw. The sights of Singapore, for one good time.

The human mind is a very special thing. It stores snapshots of your life so well, and rewinds it when you get some form of visual ignition. And there I was seeing places I had been before, recalling the times I had there, the people I was with, the emotions, everything so vividly replayed. A journey to an unknown place, yet a journey so familiar.

Why should I be afraid to go? I have had such a great and vibrant time in Singapore, and I will be returning to this life soon. All I need to do is to clear this obstacle. And I will probably return stronger, as an even better person.

Why should I be afraid? I know I can trust what I see. I know I can trust what I feel.

I should be unafraid.

2008-10-10T23:05:00.000+08:00

Sand. Its basically the same thing. Perhaps of different compositions and stuff like that, but its still fundamentally the same, and hence is still called sand. Yet why does the sand at the beach, the sand from the outfield and probably even the sand in Australia seem so different?

Its kind of similar to me in me actual fact. How I probably give people a different feeling in different places. A different me in civilian life, a different me as a soldier and probably a very unexpected me in Australia. Typical gemini.

I can never forget the icy bite of the bitter cold wind the other night. How it mocked me after a long and lousy day. Nor the sudden need to choke down tears of desperation as I found out how falsehoped I had been today.

All this in Singapore. With so much to look forward to, with so much support to fall back on.

I seriously dont know how its going to turn out. But things will get better.

It already has.

2008-10-05T00:47:00.000+08:00

Winter comes. And he welcomes it with open arms, perhaps a little over zealous, but who can blame him? Its winter. All the fun and games await. Skiing, sleighing and iceskating. Its winter. Even the little child in him cannot resist wanting to make his very own Mr Snowman. Its winter. Chilly, troublesome but irresistable. Its winter. Who can blame him?

But winter is not all just fun and games after all. For the cold weather makes Mr Sun a very lazy man. And he works for less hours, allowing Lady Moon to have a longer dance in the velvet skies. But her dance is far from appreciated from earth, obscured by the powdery white falling to the ground. For the nights in winter are not the most cheerful times. Its lonesome, its gloomy, its deep and dark. Its winter.

The days go on, and the nights go on even longer. The boy gets tired, maybe confused. When winter comes to an end, he has a slight longing then he decides its better that winter goes. How ironical, how he wanted something so much yet he could just let it go like that. How maybe he even felt a sense of relief, or ease. It just doesnt seem that right.

Spring, summer, autumn, winter. It goes in a cycle. Its not his first winter. And the boy knows the start and the end. How silly he was, to welcome winter once again this year.

But after each winter comes spring. Its a good thing theres spring, and the boy is thankful for it. For its spring.

2008-09-23T18:49:00.002+08:00

Its not at all far from my home, but it had been indeed some time that I have visited this place.

The same ambience, the same aroma of coffee, the same activities going on around. But the people are no longer around.

It has been one year, in a blink of an eye, but it hasn't been that long actually. But we have all moved far ahead, undoubtedly changed in various ways.

Bittersweet memories, but just a little disappointing ain't it?

2008-09-23T00:12:00.000+08:00

I went to the airport today. Because I didnt want the next time I will be there to be the time I fly off.

I am toying with an idea. What if I knew I was going to die? I recently read the book Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. Morrie really faced death with such strength and courage. He had reached a certain state of enlightenment I guess. But I who have so much less life experience, how would I face it? Not that I have some life threatening disease.

Its far from death really, but yet similar in a way. It will not be permanent but I will be suddenly pulled away from my world next month for quite a while.
And I cant help but wonder.

How will the world I know go on before me? Will the world even notice my abscence? And how will my loved ones cope with it?

I suddenly realise that this seperation might not only be my suffering. Theres so much I want to do before this.

In short, I just want to tell them I really love them. That I forgive them for everything wrong they have done, and am thankful for everything good they have done.

And that I really really love my family, though its the thing I show the least.

2008-09-12T22:02:00.002+08:00

Maybe its because of the time that passed. Maybe its because that I am too tired to even think about it. Maybe its because I learnt to suck thumb from the army. Maybe maybe maybe.

But it doesnt hurt as bad as I expected it to. Just a mere hollow-ness left. Or to better define it, an emotional vulnerability.

Jiayou alvin.

2008-09-06T23:26:00.002+08:00

The thunder was heard from far away. But here in my world, there was complete peace.

Not a blade of grass moved in my field. Not a whistling of the wind blowing through my woods. It was unstartlingly quiet. Not quite as expected. It was too quiet.

Then the dark clouds gathered, and the rain followed. Just a drizzle. Nothing more.

And it goes on drizzling, here in my world.

How can I ever prepare myself for that upcoming thunderstorm?

Right now, I just feel like running in the rain.

2008-08-29T21:40:00.002+08:00

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you. The myriad of diamonds upon a backdrop of velvet night sky. How intriguing, how alluring, how beautiful.

But there may be times that you find that the stars are gone. Obscured by the rain, clouds, or perhaps just by the mere brightness of urban lights. Too much of these and you may soon forget that the stars exist.

But up in the heavens, the stars are still there, smiling down on you. Not expecting anything in return, just trying to brighten up your world.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.

They still do.

2008-08-17T18:19:00.001+08:00

It has come to a time, when nothing really bothers me anymore. Just hints of old troubles everynow and then revisit me, but nothing major. Just numb to everything around me. I feel like I am just watching the world go by. Watching how people go on with their lives, complaining about trival little problems that make them seem really cute. Cause although they are complaining, I know that they are happy. And that makes me happy too.

Im just watching, and letting them live out what I cannot live. In a sense, I feel really old, really really old. Like an old grandfather, sitting on that rocking chair, watching my grandchildren boarding that yellow school bus, and then waiting for their return to tell me what they have done for that day. Its kind of a good feeling actually.

My friend suddenly asked me yesterday if I was emoing. And I was tickled. Would you ask an old man who is staring into blankness if he is emoing? Thats the way things are now. For I finally could once honestly say I wasnt.

In recent days, I also found that I no longer want to talk about my life anymore. Its like you dont tell the grandchildren what you have been doing. Like the grandchildren would be interested in whether you watered the plants today, or went down to the grocery store. Its all so insignificant. And thats the way things are.

Its ironical how I feel so old when I am at fact so young, and these grandchildren I am watching are actually a step in front of me in life. The similarity between me and an old man, the lack of hope. Well, at least my old age only last for 2 years. And then I hope I can find in my heart whatever youth I still have, and live this colourful life that people are talking about.

2008-08-10T12:39:00.004+08:00

Fatigue. Its a multitude of scary things. It makes you do the irrational, it makes you make mistakes. So far the mistakes I committed have left me relatively unscathed but one will not always be so lucky. Minor mistakes like speaking too much to a superior or forgetting things here and there does not kill, but what if one day the fault becomes too massive? I am afraid of that. And the fatigue keeps stacking.

I am doing a dangerous job, mistakes are what I have to avoid. Cause any mistake could lead to injury, or even death of myself or the people around me. Its an apparent and serious fact. Fatigue is my worst foe by all senses. Yet I cant get the rest I need when I am in there. But i it logical to sacrifice the little time I have out here to get rest? It is like a desperate struggle to get all these little allocation of time right.

Sometimes it seems stupid, what I am doing. Week after week I struggle out there, to say hi and let the people know I am still there for them. Even if we meet to do nothing. I go there, being physically present, but mentally not exactly 100% there. I wonder sometimes, will this be what my friends really want? But its something I still want to do. Though I really need a break soon. Maybe the weekend after next.

The world seems like its closing down on me, getting really cruel and unforgiving. And I realised I am not the only one going through this. So perhaps I have been irresponsible to think some of the things I did. I havent been thinking for others really. I am starting to take my emotions as my judgement. Unfair, definitely. The reason, tiredness, or rather the excuse. Its time I found a way to overcome these selfish thoughts. Somethings are not worth complaining about, as the army has taught me, just suck thumb.

*******************************************************

I feel like a parent, deep in personal disappoval, yet still supporting. But when I realise you have your regrets and difficulties too, then I know all the more I have to be there. For you.

2008-07-26T23:44:00.000+08:00

"The Pursuit of Happyness". A pictureshow about how a man was not happy, not at all, and very desperate indeed. But he worked against the odds, and found happiness through hardwork. Happiness in the form of material well-being. And the show ended. It was that simple.

But how does one attain happiness, when he is forcefully taken from his life in the prime of his teens and placed somewhere that who you are or what you are does not matter anymore. It really does not matter. Whether you are the son of a rich man, poor man, beggar or thief, you still go through the same thing.

It does not really matter how hard you struggle either, or the choices you make. You just want to get out. Or am I just someone whose thoughts differ from the norm? I reckon not.

The trade off. In order to keep things together, the things I gave up. And the things I am going to give up. Life in a photoframe. That is a phrase I came up with after I received a beautiful gift from a friend, with a photo of us. That is what I realised I was going through 5 days a week. Living with the memories for 5 days, and coming out to make new ones every weekend.

And then I sat alone in the room. Everyone else seemed occupied and noisy, maybe happy, from all the laughter I heard. It was so noisy I could not evern seek solace in my solitude. But I ask myself, are they really happy? Or are they merely distracting themselves? Am I the only one who is weak to show what I really am?

Its kind of too late now. I should just really try to be happy every weekend.

Don't leave me now alright?

2008-07-20T13:14:00.000+08:00

Nothing endures but change. A simple quote from Lives of the Philosophers by Diogenes Laertius, but yet it explains so much that happens in life. It gives us a reason, some consolation, presenting us with a much more optimistic outlook at how things flow.

In everyone's lives, one is bound to meet something beautiful, something of the immaterial sort. A moment in time, one that we would want to hold still forever, freeze the time. But soon it all becomes but a memory.

But does it really matter? For change is the constant. There is a chinese saying: 不求天长地久，只要曾经拥有. Though usually applied in love, this saying can actually be meaningful in many other ways. Not requiring it to last forever, only asking for once having had it. Living for the moment. Then life goes on.

Ahead I see many changes in life. How people will soon move on in life, heading in different directions. A crossroad. We are just loitering around, delaying the inevitable, yet we all know what is to come.

A friend mirrored my thoughts. Words has its weakness, how some thoughts are just so hard to pen down. But his one word summarises the whole situation. Bittersweet. Yes, it may mean losing in a selfish way, but to see that people are growing, you have to feel happy for them. For you love them.

A poem I learnt from literature lessons in secondary 2 in the book The Outsiders by S.E Hinton, orignally penned by Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Beautifully sums up what I have been trying to express.

And so as much as changes go, it is time for a change in url. In my old blog, I wrote in many various styles, finding my way through teenage life. Still very much a confused teen today, but with a clearer picture of what I want to write.

To the new site.