They ask me how are you doing.
I mumble back, "The same."
For how do I tell them about the state that I'm in.
As much as I run,
I cant get away,
From the shadow that is cast upon my world.
As much as I try,
In the end I find,
I'm still right here where I used to be.
How can I tell them that my watch does not tick,
without them laughing and telling me its just spoilt.
How can I tell them that nothing ever changes,
No matter how I try to move on with my life.
Is it a spell cast upon me?
Or just the way the world has become for me?
'Cause ever since that day
The earth I'm on just suddenly spun down to die.
I'm sorry girl its you.
But you were the one in my life,
the day my world stood still.
Devoid of a reason to smile for about seven or so months now, I guess it really started some time in the last quarter of last year. Being conscripted in the beginning of the year had already taken quite a bit out of me, but its just the changes towards the end of the year that took everything away. The changes that left me alone and lost, lost and alone.
"Its not about what you left behind, its what you gain in the future." In the past 18 months, I have left so much behind, but what I have gained are really the things I do not mind leaving behind. I guess the line would be more appropriately posted at the exit of the room where people reacquire their pink cards and freedom, at the end of this journey, rather than the beginning.
I often miss what I was, long for what I could have been and wonder what I have become.
Then again, I shudder at the thought that how this is but an excuse to cover up the true reasons for this state of mind. Would I really be better off after I leave this place, or are the things I lost gone for good? Perhaps the frequent injustice and sufferings just represent salt on the wound.
I am really tired.
Attached to these memories usually lies a trigger of some kind. And when the trigger is pulled, the feeling just rush back to us, fresh and as great as before. Once again, I marvel at the power of the human brain.
Like a song that a event revolves around. We will get there by Stefanie Sun. Just another national day song for many others. Maybe some will remember it as the song that had those wierd dance moves to go with the chorus. But for me, it strikes me clearly as the theme song for national day parade 2002. The year when I participated in the third act of the parade and the finale as part of my school. The brotherhood forged, the ecstacy and the satistfacion after the actual day itself. The excitement still tingles on my skin.
Or just watching other people do what you have done. Fortitude. Thats the name of the orientation for Meridian this year. I managed to catch the freshmen in action on their MMM today. Seeing them rush out of the MRT when the train reached Pasir Ris, I felt the rush. I knew exactly how they felt, knew how this was the very last part. I went through 3 orientations after all. And I wished silently that the Callisto guys would outrun the Miranda and Triton guys. Haha. Still somewhat a Callisto OGL in here.
2 triggers in a week. Eventful. Some of my friends tell me how they miss JC. I feel the same thing. Life then was just so positive. Life then was looking forward. Life now is looking back.
Gosh I feel old.
Perhaps I wasnt so much in the right mind, so I just took off in a random direction, putting a man's sense of direction to the extreme test. Too much urban jungle I guess, after choosing to cut through hdb estate after hdb estate, I decided I didnt really know where I was anymore.
Its the mental process that was really interesting. When I first started the journey, I didnt really care, I felt brave in fact. Maybe I just felt like really walking some emotions off. I wasnt even bothering which direction to go, just merely walking wherever I felt, hoping somehow I would reach my destination.
Then I got a little worried, but I pressed on, trying to move in a more logical manner now. The confidence I had still lingered a little. After all some people say that the male gender have a natural sense of direction, and could probably point north without a map nor a compass. Ya right.
I hit a super long straight stretch. Out of the housing estate, near the industrial side with construction going on some newater thing. It was then that I was kind of scared. I felt so alone, vulnerable, but mostly alone. Miserable. I looked back. Though I knew slightly where I was now, I didnt know if I was going in the right direction. Or if I was going farther. And when you are walking, things move kind of slowly, so these feelings held for a long while. But I continued forward.
Well I got out of the situation in the end. I didnt really walk home, nor planned to. I didnt even plan to walk this far. But I didnt know when to end. Sure I could take a bus, long ago in fact. I passed many bus stops along the way. Yeah I was in Singapore. But I guess when you already gone so far, you dont really mind going abit more, despite the pain. And I wanted to walk in the first place.
It was a really confusing walk, an emotional rollercoaster in fact, so the walking off the emotions thing didnt really work. I dont know what I feel even now. Stupid maybe? But maybe it wasnt the getting lost that got me so miserable, maybe it just was an avenue of release, for getting lost in another manner. But though I found a way out of that situation, would I be so lucky as to find my way out of the turmoil I have inside now? Would I be able to find my way, find the answer, find my heart again? I seriously dont know. I dont even know how I got into this. I feel cheated by myself. In some ways, how I got lost today emulates how lost I feel.
Today, I went from a point in Tampines, randomly wondering, to the community centre. Took a wrong turn and went to near the fire station, then down towards the industrial side, and after a really really long time, saw the IKEA sign in the distance. Walked passed Giant, Courts and then IKEA, over to the Elias side. Walk passed Meridian, then all the way to Pasir Ris Interchange. One and a half hour. And in case you wonder, I was headed to Tampines Interchange.
If only things could be so clear in this mental turmoil, so at least I could try to head in the right direction. But alas, its just a mess. Such that all I want to do is escape. Instead of making things right.
The difficult part is rejoining. Nothing is often permanent, and we regain control of the delicate balance. Yet, systems never stay the same. They adapt and update in order to keep the system going. They are reinforced by other systems, influenced, upgraded and updated, and some of the bonds in the systems are reconnected. Upon entrance, you find that yes there sure is space for you in the system. The database is still familiar, though there is a distinct difference that only time can tell.
Time did its job. You see it suddenly. Its like you are trying to connect to the internet using dial-up cables, while everyone uses broadband. The connections you are making seem to be deteriorating. The most you can do is just remain logged on to the system without any activities. And theres nothing much you can do. You are just unable to upgrade to broadband at the moment.
Perhaps all you really need is a break. The time to rest and upgrade. To work things out. To make the links even better than before. But you cant really just log off like that. How do you take a break from relationships without making something seem wrong? How can you not hurt anyone? How can you not be selfish?
Perhaps this is one reason I am not upset about going to the great Europe nine days in advance. Maybe this is the break I really need. An escape that needs no explanation. A release that may bring back a fresher me. Maybe.
I dont really know what is wrong with me. =(
And how much has changed. Oblivion was all I felt one year ago, not knowing the full extent of what the next two years held for me. All I knew was I had to have all the fun I could, before I took that boat ride. And now look at me, being able to drive a powerful machine, perhaps something I should be proud of, but still unsatisfied with life. How quickly it has all happened, how one moment I was free from everything, only to step into the hands of another captor, now living from day to day with a perpetual hole in me, just black and blank, hollow and empty.
Halfway through I guess, but just as bad, till I am finally out. I guess to a certain extent, life does not have to be this way. Maybe if I even attempt to embrace abit of the life I am going through now, it could be quite exciting, and maybe perhaps happier. But somehow I have never been so stubborn to something before. I somehow reject everything related to the organisation.
Then there is all the changes. Perhaps I have lost faith. Somehow everything is just shrouded in a negativity.
NEGATIVITY
Thats it. I need to cancel out the negativity in my life. Welcome positivity. I did not feel a need for a new year resoloution before, but eleven months is too long to waste away. Hence my new year resoluttion is positivity. Everything is going to be better from now on. Every experience a one to look forward to. Change can be good as well. For I want to be happier, and 2009 is the year.
Geez, this totally screws up my writing style for this blog. Welcome 2009. =)
For I was not even sure if I could call this place a village anymore. Urban constructions were all around. Nothing was familiar, except for the name of the place. I have been away for far too long.
The car pulled over. And I was glad to see another familiar sight, the face of a friend, waiting for me. "How is it?" And I instantly knew what he was talking about. Sure he had been there watching as concrete took the place of the old wooden structures, but he still looked as incredulous as ever.
All in the name of advancement. This progress should be celebrated, but yet in all the villagers' hearts, there would be an attachment to the past. I could see in my friend there was still a longing for the old days. And I understood. For I felt it worst when I first received my first postcard. Time may have eased the emotions. Perhaps it was a good deal, for I was prepared to embrace this change, probably better than my friend.
It was logical anyway. Making way for the new. We all lost something in a way, our old homes, our old hangouts, our old lifestyle. But it was logical to just move on and find happiness in the future. For good of the developers, for the good of the rest of the villagers. And that was what my mind told me.
But that night as I lay in the bed of my new residence, dreams spoke a different tune. How the old times bade me goodbye, and I felt the confusion all over again. At least till conscience took over.
"Are you really that noble?" Very good question my friend.
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